My Enigma

A puzzle.  That’s what my life feels like.  I am certain that I am called to teach and lead in schools, sing, write songs, craft, write, preach, be an entrepreneur, etc.  I struggle with understanding how to do all of these at once, and when, and where.  I have received clear direction from the Lord about my call to do all of these things, to impact the world in these ways, but sometimes it all feels like too much to manage.  Managing all of these portions of myself feels like a great enigma, a code I can’t crack.

I am still living in Indianapolis, 8 years after moving here.  I took a non-traditional route in becoming a licensed teacher, moved directly into and through a school administrator program, but I have yet to land a job.  I am currently enrolled in a district superintendent licensure program while continuing to apply for building level roles.  All of this is in keeping with my responsibility to create schools that provide a high quality education for students from some of the most underserved communities.  God told me to do this and I am doing all that I can to prepare for the role.  The formation of these schools is connected to my calling to train women to follow God, to pursue Him, live for Him, and serve Him in every sector of society.  And, yet, I have not been able to land my first job in school administration.  I have maintained a Bible study based on the life of Esther in the Marion Co. Juvenile Detention Center, spent a lot of time serving in ministry in the Church, but this many years later, I am still not in the place God showed me.  By now I thought that I would be working in ministry full time, potentially serving in my own schools, making music, writing books, etc.   And, yet, I feel stuck in the classroom.

While I am privileged to teach Spanish in a historic high school to students who are underserved, this is not the position that I believe I am supposed to be in…now.  I feel that I should be leading in the ways that God showed me after so many years of study, preparation, and service.  I have served children as a volunteer, substitute teacher, adolescent substance abuse counselor, and teacher for more than 18 years.  I feel anxious, incredibly dissatisfied, and somehow aware that something is about to shift dramatically so that I am in the space I desire to be. 

I have been most recently stirred by my trip to the Dominican Republic.  In June, I spent a few days teaching English to Haitian refugee children living in a batey, an internment camp where Haitians were originally forced to farm sugar cane.  These children changed me.  They refreshed me and reminded me that my calling in education is international. Meeting the director of the foundation I worked with shifted my thinking as well.  MC, as she is called, is Haitian be descent, has spent time living and working in the US as a teacher, and currently lives in Panama leading 2 schools and a host of ministry efforts. 

Meeting her caused me to shift my ideas about how I should approach school leadership and international ministry therein.  To be honest, I wanted to do what she is doing.  Her schools serve children that have very little access to a quality education and allows them to obtain a diploma in the US and Panama.  Meeting someone who has actually done what I wanted to do in the US, Haiti, and West Africa was truly monumental, inspiring, and motivating.  To some degree, she was living my dream.  Her life gave me a model for what I have simply been imagining.

Returning to my life in the US felt like returning to something too small.  Those children and MC awakened my heart’s desire.  I long to be doing this work now.  I began thinking and praying about the possibility of working abroad.  I continued to apply for school administrator jobs in Indianapolis, but I also started looking for school administration jobs outside of the US.  Nothing piqued my interest, but the possibility of beginning my school leadership journey abroad remained strong in my heart.  A little over a week ago, I shared my frustrations regarding not getting an administrator job in Indy with a former co-worker and she advised me to search abroad. Something jumped in my spirit when she said it.  I felt affirmed.  The next day, I found a school principal opening that interested me in Cartagena, Colombia.  The next day I applied for the job.  The next day I got an email from the school director confirming receipt of my application and indicating the potential of an interview. Today, I am praying that I make the semi-finalist list for applicants and eventually land the job.  I am also trusting God that He will help me to make sense of all of this. 

Somehow I am going to realize my responsibilities to lead schools, preach, sing, prophesy, craft, entrepreneur, and be an excellent wife to an amazing king.  I don’t know how all of this fits together, but I know the God who has already ordered my steps.  I know that God is connecting me to the people and places that I need to facilitate His purposes for my life.  I know that when trust Him with all my heart and do not lean to my own understanding, when I acknowledge Him in all my ways, He will direct my path.  I know that God is making my way clear.  While it’s still muddy, I am praying, prophesying, recalling His promises so that this puzzle is no longer my enigma.

I Am Packing By Faith

...believing that God is going to send me somewhere sunny and beachy.  I need a vacation and I strongly desire to participate in an international missions trip...and today, I don't have the money.  So, I must pack by faith.  God knows the desires of my heart.  He knows that I've applied to a prestigious international fellowship for teachers and been turned down twice.  He's seen me Google countless vacation packages with only a window shopping budget.  The only thing I haven't done is pack by faith.

In college, God put in on my heart to maintain a packed bag as an act of faith that He would routinely and spontaneously send me on missions trips.  Ridiculously, I've never done it.  Unfortunately, I've used the fledgling state of my finances as an excuse for not packing (which can mean buying) immediately ...until I took care of more urgent things like rent and car payments.  Desperately and finally, today I'm writing the vision and making it plain.  Somehow, someway, I believe that God is going to send me on a dually-purposed trip.  I'll be gone for 10-14 days this summer, spending 1 week on the mission field and 1 week basking in the glory of His creation.  None of this will interfere with my school schedule.  He will make it beautiful in its time. I will pack by faith and not by sight.

Focus Forward

Difficult. Painful. Taxing. Rough.  Getting through the end of a season can be any or all of these things.  Starting from scratch can be equally daunting.  And yet, we must persevere; push through and to everything God has promised.  The dream, the vision cannot birth itself.  We must Lamaze our way to the manifestation of God’s word.  Tired, hurting, depleted we must press through the final stages of our pregnancies and deliver what God has spoken.  While it is tempting to tire of opposition along our way, we cannot “lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.” (Galatians 6:9)  When memories of past challenges or failures vie for our attention, we must forget “what lies behind and strain…forward to what lies ahead….” (Philippians 3:13)

God is prepared to deliver.  He has already started to fulfill His word.  We must focus on what’s in front of us and see the new things springing forth in our lives.  He is currently making ways “in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19)  He is helping us, He is ushering us to victory.  Though our paths seem impassable, He is with us.  Let me stop stealing from the Bible and type this whole verse out.

Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.         -Isaiah 41:10

God’s got us.  By His grace we’re closing in on the victory He has promised.  With His help we can complete our race and receive the prize(s) we’re due. (Philippians 3:14)  We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. (4:13) Every word He has spoken will not return to Him [without producing an effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which [He] pleases and purposes, and it shall prosper in the thing for which [He] sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)

Throughout whatever difficulties we face in completing our existing God-given assignments and launching new ones, we must not lose hope.  “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”  (Hebrews 11:1)  We must persevere, relying on God’s word for faith to finish and faith to start.  Shrug off discouragement, disappointment, and weariness.  Commune with God in prayer, feast on the Word, and keep moving.  Refuse the temptation to ruminate on past or present hardships and focus forward.

To Ph.D. or Not to Ph.D?

Convictions...

I'm dying to go back to school! I sincerely miss having academic community and learning, studying in an organized, structured fashion. I LOVE school and I always have. After completing my first day of kindergarten I told my mom, "Pack my bags. I want to live at the school!" I was dead serious. I fell in love the moment I stepped in the door and nothing has ever changed. I LOVE to learn. I LOVE to discover. And I believe it's time to take the next formal step in my academic career.

Complications...

I live in Smalltown, USA. The university nearest me doesn't offer doctorate the programs I'm most interested in or believe would most fit my career goals. I would like to pursue a doctorate of philosophy in either education, educational psychology, or diverse learning. I believe completing such study would prepare me to achieve my goal of developing prototypes of schools that cater intentionally, and acutely to students' respective learning styles, placing them in classrooms with teachers who have been trained to teach to a particular learning style. For example, kinetic learners would be placed in classrooms with teachers who know how to keep it movin'. My theory is that by placing each child in a classroom tailored to their specific academic needs, each child will be given maximum opportunity to learn and in turn maximum opportunity to fulfill their potential. I do not know if completing my doctorate in educational leadership and organizational development will afford the same opportunites. I feel stuck.

I know what I want to do, but don't know how to get there.

Confessions...

I'm afraid. Afraid of nothing working out. Afraid that if I were accepted, I'd have trouble keeping up with students in my cohort, most of whom already have their master's degrees. Afraid of not being able to finance my efforts. Afraid of choosing the wrong program. Afraid.... Afraid of being wrong about pursuing this dream. I've always loved school, but struggled through undergrad. I've wanted a fresh academic start for some time now, but could never find a master's program that completely fit my likings. I'd given up on pursuing further education, at least while living here, but had this dream during my church's annual fast at the beginning of the year. I spent a lot of time talking to God and hearing from Him. And He spent a lot of time speaking to me. As is customary, He spoke to me in my dreams. During the fast I dreamt that I'd been trying to figure out which master's degree to pursue, but couldn't make a decision, I wasn't satisfied with anything offered. I then saw myself pursuing my doctorate. It was a Ph.D. that I was to pursue, at this time in my life. Great! Finally, that was my answer. I was to pursue my Ph.D. in.... Back to complications. What if I'm wrong? What if I didn't hear from God? What if it was just...a dream? I'm afraid.

Concessions...

This isn't the first time I've been passionate about something. This isn't the first time I've been afraid of pursuing something I'm passionate about. This isn't the first time I've had to take a step in faith, while afraid. I may not be able to shake the fear, but I will not allow it to hold me back. I will further investigate the program. I will meet with an advisor. I will risk.