To Ph.D. or Not to Ph.D?

Convictions...

I'm dying to go back to school! I sincerely miss having academic community and learning, studying in an organized, structured fashion. I LOVE school and I always have. After completing my first day of kindergarten I told my mom, "Pack my bags. I want to live at the school!" I was dead serious. I fell in love the moment I stepped in the door and nothing has ever changed. I LOVE to learn. I LOVE to discover. And I believe it's time to take the next formal step in my academic career.

Complications...

I live in Smalltown, USA. The university nearest me doesn't offer doctorate the programs I'm most interested in or believe would most fit my career goals. I would like to pursue a doctorate of philosophy in either education, educational psychology, or diverse learning. I believe completing such study would prepare me to achieve my goal of developing prototypes of schools that cater intentionally, and acutely to students' respective learning styles, placing them in classrooms with teachers who have been trained to teach to a particular learning style. For example, kinetic learners would be placed in classrooms with teachers who know how to keep it movin'. My theory is that by placing each child in a classroom tailored to their specific academic needs, each child will be given maximum opportunity to learn and in turn maximum opportunity to fulfill their potential. I do not know if completing my doctorate in educational leadership and organizational development will afford the same opportunites. I feel stuck.

I know what I want to do, but don't know how to get there.

Confessions...

I'm afraid. Afraid of nothing working out. Afraid that if I were accepted, I'd have trouble keeping up with students in my cohort, most of whom already have their master's degrees. Afraid of not being able to finance my efforts. Afraid of choosing the wrong program. Afraid.... Afraid of being wrong about pursuing this dream. I've always loved school, but struggled through undergrad. I've wanted a fresh academic start for some time now, but could never find a master's program that completely fit my likings. I'd given up on pursuing further education, at least while living here, but had this dream during my church's annual fast at the beginning of the year. I spent a lot of time talking to God and hearing from Him. And He spent a lot of time speaking to me. As is customary, He spoke to me in my dreams. During the fast I dreamt that I'd been trying to figure out which master's degree to pursue, but couldn't make a decision, I wasn't satisfied with anything offered. I then saw myself pursuing my doctorate. It was a Ph.D. that I was to pursue, at this time in my life. Great! Finally, that was my answer. I was to pursue my Ph.D. in.... Back to complications. What if I'm wrong? What if I didn't hear from God? What if it was just...a dream? I'm afraid.

Concessions...

This isn't the first time I've been passionate about something. This isn't the first time I've been afraid of pursuing something I'm passionate about. This isn't the first time I've had to take a step in faith, while afraid. I may not be able to shake the fear, but I will not allow it to hold me back. I will further investigate the program. I will meet with an advisor. I will risk.