My Enigma

A puzzle.  That’s what my life feels like.  I am certain that I am called to teach and lead in schools, sing, write songs, craft, write, preach, be an entrepreneur, etc.  I struggle with understanding how to do all of these at once, and when, and where.  I have received clear direction from the Lord about my call to do all of these things, to impact the world in these ways, but sometimes it all feels like too much to manage.  Managing all of these portions of myself feels like a great enigma, a code I can’t crack.

I am still living in Indianapolis, 8 years after moving here.  I took a non-traditional route in becoming a licensed teacher, moved directly into and through a school administrator program, but I have yet to land a job.  I am currently enrolled in a district superintendent licensure program while continuing to apply for building level roles.  All of this is in keeping with my responsibility to create schools that provide a high quality education for students from some of the most underserved communities.  God told me to do this and I am doing all that I can to prepare for the role.  The formation of these schools is connected to my calling to train women to follow God, to pursue Him, live for Him, and serve Him in every sector of society.  And, yet, I have not been able to land my first job in school administration.  I have maintained a Bible study based on the life of Esther in the Marion Co. Juvenile Detention Center, spent a lot of time serving in ministry in the Church, but this many years later, I am still not in the place God showed me.  By now I thought that I would be working in ministry full time, potentially serving in my own schools, making music, writing books, etc.   And, yet, I feel stuck in the classroom.

While I am privileged to teach Spanish in a historic high school to students who are underserved, this is not the position that I believe I am supposed to be in…now.  I feel that I should be leading in the ways that God showed me after so many years of study, preparation, and service.  I have served children as a volunteer, substitute teacher, adolescent substance abuse counselor, and teacher for more than 18 years.  I feel anxious, incredibly dissatisfied, and somehow aware that something is about to shift dramatically so that I am in the space I desire to be. 

I have been most recently stirred by my trip to the Dominican Republic.  In June, I spent a few days teaching English to Haitian refugee children living in a batey, an internment camp where Haitians were originally forced to farm sugar cane.  These children changed me.  They refreshed me and reminded me that my calling in education is international. Meeting the director of the foundation I worked with shifted my thinking as well.  MC, as she is called, is Haitian be descent, has spent time living and working in the US as a teacher, and currently lives in Panama leading 2 schools and a host of ministry efforts. 

Meeting her caused me to shift my ideas about how I should approach school leadership and international ministry therein.  To be honest, I wanted to do what she is doing.  Her schools serve children that have very little access to a quality education and allows them to obtain a diploma in the US and Panama.  Meeting someone who has actually done what I wanted to do in the US, Haiti, and West Africa was truly monumental, inspiring, and motivating.  To some degree, she was living my dream.  Her life gave me a model for what I have simply been imagining.

Returning to my life in the US felt like returning to something too small.  Those children and MC awakened my heart’s desire.  I long to be doing this work now.  I began thinking and praying about the possibility of working abroad.  I continued to apply for school administrator jobs in Indianapolis, but I also started looking for school administration jobs outside of the US.  Nothing piqued my interest, but the possibility of beginning my school leadership journey abroad remained strong in my heart.  A little over a week ago, I shared my frustrations regarding not getting an administrator job in Indy with a former co-worker and she advised me to search abroad. Something jumped in my spirit when she said it.  I felt affirmed.  The next day, I found a school principal opening that interested me in Cartagena, Colombia.  The next day I applied for the job.  The next day I got an email from the school director confirming receipt of my application and indicating the potential of an interview. Today, I am praying that I make the semi-finalist list for applicants and eventually land the job.  I am also trusting God that He will help me to make sense of all of this. 

Somehow I am going to realize my responsibilities to lead schools, preach, sing, prophesy, craft, entrepreneur, and be an excellent wife to an amazing king.  I don’t know how all of this fits together, but I know the God who has already ordered my steps.  I know that God is connecting me to the people and places that I need to facilitate His purposes for my life.  I know that when trust Him with all my heart and do not lean to my own understanding, when I acknowledge Him in all my ways, He will direct my path.  I know that God is making my way clear.  While it’s still muddy, I am praying, prophesying, recalling His promises so that this puzzle is no longer my enigma.

Focus Forward

Difficult. Painful. Taxing. Rough.  Getting through the end of a season can be any or all of these things.  Starting from scratch can be equally daunting.  And yet, we must persevere; push through and to everything God has promised.  The dream, the vision cannot birth itself.  We must Lamaze our way to the manifestation of God’s word.  Tired, hurting, depleted we must press through the final stages of our pregnancies and deliver what God has spoken.  While it is tempting to tire of opposition along our way, we cannot “lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint.” (Galatians 6:9)  When memories of past challenges or failures vie for our attention, we must forget “what lies behind and strain…forward to what lies ahead….” (Philippians 3:13)

God is prepared to deliver.  He has already started to fulfill His word.  We must focus on what’s in front of us and see the new things springing forth in our lives.  He is currently making ways “in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19)  He is helping us, He is ushering us to victory.  Though our paths seem impassable, He is with us.  Let me stop stealing from the Bible and type this whole verse out.

Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.         -Isaiah 41:10

God’s got us.  By His grace we’re closing in on the victory He has promised.  With His help we can complete our race and receive the prize(s) we’re due. (Philippians 3:14)  We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. (4:13) Every word He has spoken will not return to Him [without producing an effect, useless], but it shall accomplish that which [He] pleases and purposes, and it shall prosper in the thing for which [He] sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)

Throughout whatever difficulties we face in completing our existing God-given assignments and launching new ones, we must not lose hope.  “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”  (Hebrews 11:1)  We must persevere, relying on God’s word for faith to finish and faith to start.  Shrug off discouragement, disappointment, and weariness.  Commune with God in prayer, feast on the Word, and keep moving.  Refuse the temptation to ruminate on past or present hardships and focus forward.

Sex on the Brain

For about a year, I've been serving with a prison ministry that also visits a local juvenile detention center. This experience has truly enriched my life and has been nothing but a BLESSING! Through my time at Juvy the Lord has gifted me with community and grown my teaching ministry. My primary role is to share the Word of God with the kids, to teach them, but they always end up schoolin' me.

Today's lesson title was Counterfeits. We spent a brief time defining the term and naming counterfeits we commonly use including cubic zirconia in place of diamonds, store brand pop (or soda, depending on where you're from) instead of Coke or Pepsi, and monopoly money versus actual Benjamins. We talked about Satan's desire to entice us, to trap us, to snare us, to entangle us in web's of perverse fulfillment of our God-given desires,to use this evil fulfillment to transform us into counterfeits. Thankfully, the conversation quickly turned to sex.

As always, it started with thoughts. The question was posed, "Is it a sin to have sexual thoughts?" I went on to explain that an initial sexual thought would not be considered a sin. (Please feel free to refute this in the comments section.) The problem (sin) would be maintaining these thoughts, dwelling on them, allowing them to, in the words of my 11th grade English teacher, marinate. The boys understood the concept. A bird may hover above your head, perhaps even lay an egg, but you shouldn't allow it to build a nest there. Ok, cool. But what about sex? Does God really expect us to abstain from sex until marriage? The Goodfellas weren't really "feelin' that."

I went on to explain that like every other area of our lives, God has a plan for our sexuality. He has given sexuality and sexual desire to us and they are good gifts. Like all other gifts God expects us to use them to bring Him glory, to make Him famous. Like all other gifts, God has provided guidelines and parameters for their use. Like all other gifts, Satan WORKS to get us to exercise our sexuality, to fulfill sexual desire outside of these boundaries. He tries to make us-people who claim to follow Jesus, people who confess Christ's Lordship or leadership of our lives-Counterfeits.

With the boys' eyes widened, I proceeded to discuss ways that Satan specifically tries to trap men with regards to the abuse of sex. We surveyed Proverbs 5 & 7 where we learned valuable lessons like Girls Got Game, Too, Taste It and Die, Run, Forrest, Run, and Keep Your Butt at Home.

With loads of humor we made it through our lesson and determined that sex is good, at least that's what they tell me, sex is powerful, and sex has rules. It is Satan's job to get us to disobey and succumb to sexual temptation. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, through hiding God's Word in our hearts, through resisting temptation, we CAN live sexually PURE lives.

Got my toes stepped on!

To Be Continued.