My Enigma

A puzzle.  That’s what my life feels like.  I am certain that I am called to teach and lead in schools, sing, write songs, craft, write, preach, be an entrepreneur, etc.  I struggle with understanding how to do all of these at once, and when, and where.  I have received clear direction from the Lord about my call to do all of these things, to impact the world in these ways, but sometimes it all feels like too much to manage.  Managing all of these portions of myself feels like a great enigma, a code I can’t crack.

I am still living in Indianapolis, 8 years after moving here.  I took a non-traditional route in becoming a licensed teacher, moved directly into and through a school administrator program, but I have yet to land a job.  I am currently enrolled in a district superintendent licensure program while continuing to apply for building level roles.  All of this is in keeping with my responsibility to create schools that provide a high quality education for students from some of the most underserved communities.  God told me to do this and I am doing all that I can to prepare for the role.  The formation of these schools is connected to my calling to train women to follow God, to pursue Him, live for Him, and serve Him in every sector of society.  And, yet, I have not been able to land my first job in school administration.  I have maintained a Bible study based on the life of Esther in the Marion Co. Juvenile Detention Center, spent a lot of time serving in ministry in the Church, but this many years later, I am still not in the place God showed me.  By now I thought that I would be working in ministry full time, potentially serving in my own schools, making music, writing books, etc.   And, yet, I feel stuck in the classroom.

While I am privileged to teach Spanish in a historic high school to students who are underserved, this is not the position that I believe I am supposed to be in…now.  I feel that I should be leading in the ways that God showed me after so many years of study, preparation, and service.  I have served children as a volunteer, substitute teacher, adolescent substance abuse counselor, and teacher for more than 18 years.  I feel anxious, incredibly dissatisfied, and somehow aware that something is about to shift dramatically so that I am in the space I desire to be. 

I have been most recently stirred by my trip to the Dominican Republic.  In June, I spent a few days teaching English to Haitian refugee children living in a batey, an internment camp where Haitians were originally forced to farm sugar cane.  These children changed me.  They refreshed me and reminded me that my calling in education is international. Meeting the director of the foundation I worked with shifted my thinking as well.  MC, as she is called, is Haitian be descent, has spent time living and working in the US as a teacher, and currently lives in Panama leading 2 schools and a host of ministry efforts. 

Meeting her caused me to shift my ideas about how I should approach school leadership and international ministry therein.  To be honest, I wanted to do what she is doing.  Her schools serve children that have very little access to a quality education and allows them to obtain a diploma in the US and Panama.  Meeting someone who has actually done what I wanted to do in the US, Haiti, and West Africa was truly monumental, inspiring, and motivating.  To some degree, she was living my dream.  Her life gave me a model for what I have simply been imagining.

Returning to my life in the US felt like returning to something too small.  Those children and MC awakened my heart’s desire.  I long to be doing this work now.  I began thinking and praying about the possibility of working abroad.  I continued to apply for school administrator jobs in Indianapolis, but I also started looking for school administration jobs outside of the US.  Nothing piqued my interest, but the possibility of beginning my school leadership journey abroad remained strong in my heart.  A little over a week ago, I shared my frustrations regarding not getting an administrator job in Indy with a former co-worker and she advised me to search abroad. Something jumped in my spirit when she said it.  I felt affirmed.  The next day, I found a school principal opening that interested me in Cartagena, Colombia.  The next day I applied for the job.  The next day I got an email from the school director confirming receipt of my application and indicating the potential of an interview. Today, I am praying that I make the semi-finalist list for applicants and eventually land the job.  I am also trusting God that He will help me to make sense of all of this. 

Somehow I am going to realize my responsibilities to lead schools, preach, sing, prophesy, craft, entrepreneur, and be an excellent wife to an amazing king.  I don’t know how all of this fits together, but I know the God who has already ordered my steps.  I know that God is connecting me to the people and places that I need to facilitate His purposes for my life.  I know that when trust Him with all my heart and do not lean to my own understanding, when I acknowledge Him in all my ways, He will direct my path.  I know that God is making my way clear.  While it’s still muddy, I am praying, prophesying, recalling His promises so that this puzzle is no longer my enigma.